Had a nightmare yesternight, London brings them out constantly. I was competing with the two smartest girls of my high school and if you won you had the chance to visit the professors daughter who had been born disfigured and was living trapped in a basement. I didn’t win, but I saw the daughter. To calm my fear I had to repeat: the body is only a vessel. Disfigured, damaged, scarred, perfected. It doesn’t matter, only a vessel. That seemed to reduce fear and increase empathy. I woke up from the nightmare. Today I remain with this thought: the body is but a mere vessel. Some are born with different abilities, opportunities, aesthetics. Despite this, it is only the way in which we experience humanity. It is a ship within which we navigate the waters of humankind. It doesn’t matter if the sails are flawed or the wood is damaged, the importance lies in wanting to fix and improve, and to perceive without judgment. Remembering it is but a vessel through which we feel the human experience.

What parts of our personality exist to feel seen? Today I saw a video on killing that part of us that served as protection when we were children, yet no longer resonates with our present. For me, that part was paranoid (petrified of being discovered). To cover up my sexuality I used masks, get perfect grades, debate club, president of the student club, sing for others, please others, massage others, make others laugh, make others respect me through academic achievements, respect authority, entertain. Once I came out, it felt like the death of that old self and it has taken everything to rediscover myself, I still am. Turns out, your passions, your dreams, your fears, they all change. They all evolve. Only the purest parts of your personality, those that exist with or without others, are the ones that persist. And there, I’ve found, lies our true essence: through change. Or perhaps there’s no such thing as “essence”, there’s just change.

I was raised Catholic. Then I realized being gay was not compatible with that faith, but I never abandoned my love for Virgin Mary and will forever feel protected by her. I then sought spirituality, became a Yoga teacher and got super into the Bhagavad Gita. Then I realized I had fallen into a bubble that did not represent my lived reality, therefore generating anxiety from feeling incompatible with my surroundings. But I never abandoned my obsession for balance and listening to my body. I then got very into astrology, numerology, and Tarot. Then I realized I sought a more evidence-based belief, not pseudosciences. But I never abandoned my ability to find patterns everywhere and collect cool facts to throw around in conversation. Now, as my belief systems have mostly shattered, I’m into my ancestors. For this is the most real and close connection to God I can find as of today. It is crazy though how this exploration and yearning for meaning has made me a collector of faiths.