Emilio @emiliush

At the Quai de Valmy you took a picture of me then you turned west and took a picture of a lonely tree July 25. a bottle of rosé. you and me. days sipped away beneath the Leo sun rain at the Tuileries heat at Bercy walking side by side, you rested your head on mine somewhere between Concorde and Bastille our only afternoon happened in borrowed rooms knowing what I know now, I still would’ve. rue du Trésor. third floor. gold leaking through feeble curtains. outside, Paris murmured. the fountains kept singing, little did we know they were singing us out. at 1:18 I saw it L O V E in red. this, I thought, is how movies end. you said you kept the cork from that rosé as I wiped away the tears that had slipped down your face. I asked you to stay. you said you couldn’t. if I’d known then what I know now, you could’ve. so I cursed your name. and back to haunt me, six times, you came. un. you came back to Paris and told no one but me. three times that equinox I crossed the river to lose you. three times the river gave you back. you never saw me. I saw everything. I have called that being haunted ever since. deux. twice on Christmas Eve the ocean brought you in. once from a distance. once close enough to bury your face against my neck. the tide remembered us. you didn’t. trois. April. Paris was shut. nothing moved that month except a notification. almost two years since the picture of the tree. quatre. early January. I dreamt of you. I told my kin. I rang a Bell. three days later there you were. I kept that one to myself. cinq. April again. I knocked on your door and asked what those days beneath the Leo sun had been to you. you stepped back into the spindle you’d been spinning all along. if I’d known then what I know now, I shouldn’t have. six. six fortnights later you came back one last time. again, only in a dream. when I woke, I walked back to the Quai de Valmy and set fire to the picture of the lonely tree. it was still facing west.

I’m at the corner of the bench Half my ass hanging in the air Someone tells me how they know you I don’t catch their name from there Everybody’s talking sideways I nod along like I’m aware Laughing when the others laugh “Yeah, yeah,” like I’ve been listening to them. Someone asks me something directly “What?” “What?” “Sorry, what?” Now I’ve heard it. Now I’m answering too much. But they’re loud, I’m mellow I’m far gone “Hello?” Smile like I can hide it I think I’m fine but everybody knows But I’m always subtle When I’m feeling solo I feel weird I think I’m gonna go I’m at the corner of the table Waiting half a second more Try to slip into the talking Someone gets there just before There it is, the perfect opening Now I’ve lost what I was waiting for “Sorry, what was your name again?” He told me forty minutes ago. I’m at, at this party Is it just me or do you feel insane? Someone glances down the table I look down and rearrange my face Relax the smile Uncross the arms Lean a little forward Not too far I feel weird I think I’m gonna go I’m at the corner of the stall Fluorescent light above my head Cold water running down my fingers Checking if my face looks red Look myself over in the mirror Like I’ve got somewhere else instead Little confidence Just enough to go back in Open up the bathroom door. My seat’s taken. Fine. I’m at the corner of the bar Standing behind somebody I know Waiting for whoever they’re talking to To look at me and say hello “Taylor Swift? Ew! No way!” Too loud. Too fast. They laugh, so I keep going One sentence past where I should stop Nobody laughs at that one. Heat climbing up my neck They’re loud, I go low Drink until I’m gone “Hello?” I think I’m fine but everybody knows But I’m always subtle When I’m feeling solo One drink Then another Then another Then another They’re still finishing their first. I feel weird I think I’m gonna go Has it been long enough? That’s the question now. Whether I’ve stayed long enough that leaving won’t become a thing. I find the person who invited me Tell them I had such a good time Hug somebody whose name I missed Tell everybody, “See you guys” I’m at the corner of the stall One last look before I go A little water on my face Another line for the road. Someone’s looking lonely. Looking like me. I think I know his name. I’m at, at this party Is it just me or do I look insane? Maybe no one saw me doing anything Maybe no one thought about me either way And they’re loud, I’m somewhere else now Coat on, heading downstairs Everybody keeps on talking Like I was never really there But I’m always subtle When I’m feeling solo I feel weird I think I’m gonna go I’m at the corner of the street Cold enough to feel my face Waiting underneath the tram sign Going through the night again Every introduction Every answer Every joke The thing I said too loudly The thing I should’ve left alone Their face when I was talking Was that their face? The tram comes. I’m at, at the corner by the window Watching Bourke Street slide away Every light becomes a mirror Every mirror plays the same The same version of the night One more time against the glass I feel weird. I think I’m gonna go.