you made an effort.

I’ve been sober for 3 months, I haven’t had sex in 2, and I’ve been unemployed for 5. I’m trying to hold everything together, but I’m becoming irrationally angry and depressed again.

confession: i miss eating cat.

crying and craving cigarettes.

word dump: i feel small but not safe and i don’t enjoy that state of being. I cry because I think that there is no other thing to do. I listen to music and it feels empty. I want a car. I want to live in my own space, an apartment with a window view to the outside, right in from of my sink. I don’t know how to get a grip on my life bc it feels as if everything is a waiting game for me. Is my patience being tested? Why is it that I can’t seem to stop thinking? & why are all my thoughts negative? I’m lying. Not all of them. Still, I can sit here and feel like I miss you. But I doubt if that’s true. I can’t say that I loved you, since it feels wrong, because I couldn’t accept the fact that you are a polyamorous person. And for me, to love means to accept everything about someone. Maybe, I need to redefine a lot of things. So that my vision becomes clearer. How do I become unapologetic about my being without losing sight of what’s right and wrong? I’ve done disgusting things for other’s pleasure, success, and happiness, why do I hesitate to do the same for myself? If I love myself as much as I say I do, why don’t I feel that love? Is this how I make other people feel?

Don’t fall in love with potential… tbc.

I’m having trouble sleeping. I repeated “it’s hard, but I’m doing it for me.”

what exercises have you done for shadow work? Side note: I’ve been sober (from my substance of choice) and I haven’t been counting for how long, everytime I crave it I say “I don’t need it.” And that’s my “fix.”

friends; your lips cling onto mine everytime we kiss. I pull away, you trap me again, and we kiss. in bed you climb onto me and lay your whole weight, you snuggle your neck into mine, I take deep breaths of your aroma, we are friends. you share your food and drinks with me, I hook my arm onto yours while we walk in public, and when I ask for a kiss, we kiss. we share more than just meals, more than kisses. we laugh, bicker, watch movies and shows together, we sometimes share smiles too. i love that we kiss, we are friends, and we kiss.