word dump: i feel small but not safe and i don’t enjoy that state of...

word dump: i feel small but not safe and i don’t enjoy that state of being. I cry because I think that there is no other thing to do. I listen to music and it feels empty. I want a car. I want to live in my own space, an apartment with a window view to the outside, right in from of my sink. I don’t know how to get a grip on my life bc it feels as if everything is a waiting game for me. Is my patience being tested? Why is it that I can’t seem to stop thinking? & why are all my thoughts negative? I’m lying. Not all of them. Still, I can sit here and feel like I miss you. But I doubt if that’s true. I can’t say that I loved you, since it feels wrong, because I couldn’t accept the fact that you are a polyamorous person. And for me, to love means to accept everything about someone. Maybe, I need to redefine a lot of things. So that my vision becomes clearer. How do I become unapologetic about my being without losing sight of what’s right and wrong? I’ve done disgusting things for other’s pleasure, success, and happiness, why do I hesitate to do the same for myself? If I love myself as much as I say I do, why don’t I feel that love? Is this how I make other people feel?

musti.dab

There are still things I want to tell you. Small things, mostly. A plant I finally learned the name of. Something stupid one of my cats did. A sentence I heard on the street that would have made you laugh. A tree somewhere in Berlin carrying fruit, the kind we would have stopped to inspect as if discovering it ourselves. Sometimes something happens and my first thought is still: I have to tell you this. And for one tiny second, you still exist exactly where you used to. Then I remember. There is nowhere to send it anymore.

musti.dab

I think that’s one of the strangest things about losing someone who is still alive. Nothing disappears all at once. The person leaves first. The habits take longer. The conversations you continue inside your head take even longer. And the future might be the last thing to leave. I don’t only miss you. I miss things that never even happened. Trips we talked about but never took. Summers we never reached. Ordinary Sundays. Getting older. Going to the swimming pool, just the two of us Spending one New Year’s Eve together.

akai

Just completed my spontaneous 72 hours no food fasting (only water) 🍽️❌ My longest autophagy experiment so far. Day 1 was the most unfamiliar. A bit hangry here and there. Day 2 my head got really clear and I could work well. The obvious part I didn't see coming: I train a lot, so there's always this calculation running about getting enough protein in. For three days it was just gone. That felt freeing. Whats your experiece with longer fast? What stuck with you afterwards and did you archive any specific goals?

ilikecatsalot

hii it sounds like you’re dealing with a lot and some of it resonates with me. i’ve heard that if you struggle with overthinking, it helps to think about yourself more. like “what can i do right now within my capabilities that would make me happy?” whether that’s taking care of your skin, doodling something silly, journaling, or reaching out to a friend/family member. a support system is good too i’d advise to try building one if you don’t have that already. feelings of emptiness and smallness are just feelings, they come and go like happiness & fear. new stimuli will change how you feel over time (minutes/hours/days) i’ve also read that it’s good to sit with these feelings and feel them instead of analyzing (easier said than done) but not to heighten them with artificial triggers (e.g sad music/media or bad company). i think that if you want to be a happier person you have to “pretend” you are until you start to believe it. i hope this all helps somehow🩵

1 year

muecasintetica

@ilikecatsalot thank you. idk how to respond fully. I find it difficult to just be, and feel things. But I’ve been crying a lot more. Out of anger and sadness. After talking it out loud it makes me feel better but I fear that the person who hears my thoughts is one to judge so keeping things to myself has been what I’ve done.

@ilikecatsalot I try to journal but recently, as mentioned before I just cry, I can’t even focus enough to start a writing a sentence, I think about how the pen I use isn’t a favorite of mine and how I feel “stupid,” for writing things down.

@ilikecatsalot “pretending,” makes me feel exhausted, but I know that sitting in self pity won’t help either.

@muecasintetica that makes a lot of sense. life can be really hard sometimes, most of the time for some of us. please cry when you feel moved to, i think that’s a part of the process of your feelings coming and going. and it’s a valid concern to be worried that people listening to your situations might be judging you. i would advise maybe talking to a hotline? at least that’s their job and whether you’re being judged or not would matter less (i’d like to assume). keeping things in and to yourself only hurts you more in the long run🩵

@ilikecatsalot I did talk to a hotline for the first couple of weeks, I’m in therapy so that has helped as well, but when I’m not in that safe space and my mind kicks with my emotions and I feel a loss of control, I just cry. Thank you. It’s hard to allow myself to be vulnerable even with myself.

@muecasintetica i hear you, my journal is full of teardrops too. i like to trace them out with my pen when i’m feeling better later and remember that while past me was sobbing, future me empathized with them and could make a little light out of the situation when they were feeling better

@ilikecatsalot I like talking about myself in the third person, so reading “future me,” from your response made me smile (mentally, I keep a straight face most of the time).

@ilikecatsalot sometimes I get frustrated bc I can’t seem to journal my thoughts. I have been hearing and seeing that ppl encourage to cry, and some have said it’s alchemy… I’d like to get more in tune with that… alchemy.

@muecasintetica it does get tiring! and that’s why we take breaks and feel the more negative feelings that pass through us. we can’t be happy all the time, but it won’t get us far to be sad all the time. i try to say this without any harshness because i do understand mental health struggles as i deal with them myself. “pretending” could be as simple as creating playlists of music that makes you happy, its smiling to yourself with the knowledge that everything will be okay in the end, smiling at strangers you see in your day to day, talking to animals, looking at the beautiful world around you and appreciating what is good in it, getting yourself a little treat every now and then, celebrating even your littlest achievements, the list goes on

@muecasintetica i’m glad you talked to someone! and that you’re in therapy! that’s such a step in the right direction and i’m proud of you for taking it🩵 sometimes with talking to other people it’s a matter of time for you to feel more safe in your skin sable to share your feelings with people. i would say to please keep going and try to practice as much kindness to yourself as you can. please don’t speak negatively to or about yourself regarding what you go through in life, other people usually aren’t thinking those things because they are so caught up in their own situations yk?

@muecasintetica aw yayyy i’m glad i could put a smile on your face at least! there’s so much to smile about in life, try to wear one at least once daily!!🩵🩵

@muecasintetica i am just the girl for that! i’m gonna DM you🫶🏾

@ilikecatsalot ❤️