word dump: i feel small but not safe and i don’t enjoy that state of being. I cry because I think that there is no other thing to do. I listen to music and it feels empty. I want a car. I want to live in my own space, an apartment with a window view to the outside, right in from of my sink. I don’t know how to get a grip on my life bc it feels as if everything is a waiting game for me. Is my patience being tested? Why is it that I can’t seem to stop thinking? & why are all my thoughts negative? I’m lying. Not all of them. Still, I can sit here and feel like I miss you. But I doubt if that’s true. I can’t say that I loved you, since it feels wrong, because I couldn’t accept the fact that you are a polyamorous person. And for me, to love means to accept everything about someone. Maybe, I need to redefine a lot of things. So that my vision becomes clearer. How do I become unapologetic about my being without losing sight of what’s right and wrong? I’ve done disgusting things for other’s pleasure, success, and happiness, why do I hesitate to do the same for myself? If I love myself as much as I say I do, why don’t I feel that love? Is this how I make other people feel?