word dump: i feel small but not safe and i don’t enjoy that state of...

word dump: i feel small but not safe and i don’t enjoy that state of being. I cry because I think that there is no other thing to do. I listen to music and it feels empty. I want a car. I want to live in my own space, an apartment with a window view to the outside, right in from of my sink. I don’t know how to get a grip on my life bc it feels as if everything is a waiting game for me. Is my patience being tested? Why is it that I can’t seem to stop thinking? & why are all my thoughts negative? I’m lying. Not all of them. Still, I can sit here and feel like I miss you. But I doubt if that’s true. I can’t say that I loved you, since it feels wrong, because I couldn’t accept the fact that you are a polyamorous person. And for me, to love means to accept everything about someone. Maybe, I need to redefine a lot of things. So that my vision becomes clearer. How do I become unapologetic about my being without losing sight of what’s right and wrong? I’ve done disgusting things for other’s pleasure, success, and happiness, why do I hesitate to do the same for myself? If I love myself as much as I say I do, why don’t I feel that love? Is this how I make other people feel?

azzula

I need more authentic people around, obviously. It’s hard to find people like that when I’m drowning in gym selfies and workout posts on this app. This is really getting out of control we aren’t just body parts. I can’t sit here and watch people who haven’t tapped into themselves or done any of their own shadow work constantly screaming for external validation. Since when did we become like this? Repetitive.. stagnant.. and not interesting anymore zzzz going back to sleep

dimis

I turned 28 two months ago, and I've just realized that for the past five years I was trying to see the whole world, driven mostly by pain and unresolved conflicts from traumatic experiences in my past. Along the way, I reached incredible heights, but it still wasn't a life of joy and real happiness. It was an escape, not the kind of creating I always wanted my life to be about. My past shaped my life, but it didn't shape me. Now I'm coming back to myself, and I'm open to something real and constructive. I feel free now.. 🫂

muecasintetica

@ilikecatsalot thank you. idk how to respond fully. I find it difficult to just be, and feel things. But I’ve been crying a lot more. Out of anger and sadness. After talking it out loud it makes me feel better but I fear that the person who hears my thoughts is one to judge so keeping things to myself has been what I’ve done.

1 year

@ilikecatsalot I try to journal but recently, as mentioned before I just cry, I can’t even focus enough to start a writing a sentence, I think about how the pen I use isn’t a favorite of mine and how I feel “stupid,” for writing things down.

@ilikecatsalot “pretending,” makes me feel exhausted, but I know that sitting in self pity won’t help either.

@ilikecatsalot I did talk to a hotline for the first couple of weeks, I’m in therapy so that has helped as well, but when I’m not in that safe space and my mind kicks with my emotions and I feel a loss of control, I just cry. Thank you. It’s hard to allow myself to be vulnerable even with myself.

@ilikecatsalot I like talking about myself in the third person, so reading “future me,” from your response made me smile (mentally, I keep a straight face most of the time).

@ilikecatsalot sometimes I get frustrated bc I can’t seem to journal my thoughts. I have been hearing and seeing that ppl encourage to cry, and some have said it’s alchemy… I’d like to get more in tune with that… alchemy.

@ilikecatsalot ❤️