Roni (@roni) - Collective Profile | Tel Aviv-Yafo, IL Writer. Follow @withoutmeitsmaca on Instagram. Recent posts: a man in a bucket hat and sunglasses stands in a garden holding a bag of fertilizer. he is wearing a t-shirt, shorts, and orange gardening gloves, with trees and plants in the background., a silhouette of a person's head and shoulders is visible against a dark background. light rays emanate from behind the head, creating an abstract and dramatic effect., a man in a black t-shirt with the in-n-out burger logo is illuminated by red light. he is pointing at himself with both index fingers., a white textured canvas features bold black lettering. the top half of the canvas has the words "live laugh love" with each word struck through. below that, the words "don't be a cunt" are prominently displayed., a digital itinerary displays "london" with the union jack flag, "visiting for 7 days," and flight dates "mar 23" and "mar 30" with an airplane icon., a text post with a poem about grief and loss. the poem expresses sadness over the loss of a friend and the difficulty of moving on., two shirtless men, one wearing sunglasses and the other with a hairy chest, pose together with their arms around each other. the man on the left has his hand on the other man's chest., a blurry, low-light photo of a crowded nightclub with disco balls hanging from the ceiling and purple and blue lights illuminating the space. people are seen with their hands in the air, suggesting a lively atmosphere., a melting snowman lies on its back on a sidewalk, with a bottle stuck in its chest. the snowman appears to have a face with eyes and a nose, and its limbs are spread out., a man with a beard wears a white t-shirt and a white head covering against a bright blue sky. the t-shirt is stretched tightly around his torso, creating an unusual silhouette., a meme with text overlay. the text expresses a relatable sentiment about attraction and self-doubt., a screenshot of a dating profile's "about me" section, with humorous text about kindness and profile pictures., a cozy indoor scene featuring a fireplace with a roaring fire and a television displaying a weather forecast., a black and white photo of a snowy landscape with trees. a wooden railing is in the foreground., a man takes a mirror selfie in a bathroom. he is wearing a beanie, jacket, and scarf., .

Roni @roni

Writer.

Tel Aviv-Yafo, IL

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Making the ancestors proud 💙

But we couldn't wait to continue the conversation and began texting, first through Grindr and then iMessage. It is the best part of a new relationship. Flirtation that edges the line of sexual tension. It is the part of love when you cannot wait to hear more, learn more, see more of the other person. When we finally met, we both knew so much each other, and there was an ease that is the hallmark of lasting love stories. He ended up spending the night and, as I am wont to do, attached quickly. The process of "figuring him out" and "over-analyzation" took hold next, checking to see which boxes this sweet French boy was ticked. Thibault became "T" because it was cute and my keyboard kept misspelling it. I became "O" as a rebuttal, and when we needed a "T-O" (or time out) we would write the other with what was weighing on our hearts. The possibility never materialized as he left for an extended work trip to China, and each time he came back, I was traveling or else too busy. Of course, the moment I left for Paris he returned to New York, and though part of me hoped to build roots in this city, another part wondered what might become of us if I ever returned.

I know the universe is working in my favor because I am alone. Too many times have I been too close to the beginning of a love story, and each time something swiftly takes it away. A lover of theirs reappears, an interest suddenly fades. So I know the universe is working in my favor, because the timing of these ill-timings is too perfect, on-the-dot. She is working in my favor, saving me from some catastrophe with each person I fall in love with, waiting, saving, holding back my meant-to-be until the conditions are perfect. It's too coincidental to be coincidence. My alone-ness is proof of the Divine. I know it beneath my broken heart, where momentary emotions yield to where a much deeper knowing resides, somewhere beneath the pain, in my bones. Somewhere around there.

I don’t understand. I don’t understand how you share the most meaningful moments of humanity and then part, forever. I hate it. This childlike belief that we all stay together plagues me, sets me up for unreal expectations when the slightest shift in a relationship knocks me over and makes me dizzy and sad. I am almost 40 and it’s like I’m five - in need of parents who cannot soothe my wounds anymore. When the people who used to mend your scars and comfort your wailing cries can no longer offer salvation, where else is left?

Happy Passover from your favorite Egyptian and Jewish dancers 🇪🇬 🇮🇱

clenching to this heavy grief because moving through means moving on and I don’t want what’s on the other side of you

¡Feliz Purim a todos! Happy Purim, everybody! פורים שמח לכולם! Frohes Purimfest an alle! Feliç Purim a tothom! З Пурімом усіх! Feliz Purim para todos! Joyeux Pourim à tous ! みなさん、プリム祭おめでとうございます！ Buon Purim a tutti! عيد بوريم سعيد للجميع! Felicem Purim omnibus!

🌟 Eurovision Fans! Show me your top 5! ✋

Tresponded with a hug emoji. He was always good at that. He knew instinctively how I was feeling. We had both cried to each other on the phone several times at this point, had both expressed the feelings of wanting and loneliness, and though we mentioned dates we'd gone on with others, there was a silent hope that simmered under the surface that perhaps all of these other men were placeholders until we met again. All I wanted to do was to speak to T. I missed him - dearly. If there was a balm for my achy soul, it was him. I knew what I would say, and yet I was too in pain to care how it might affect our relationship. If I risked being too forward, it would complicate things if he didn't share my "what ifs." My throat was practically spilling out of my mouth. I was scared, but needed too much saving to care. I thought carefully before typing, and when I needed to amend, I deleted words and typed again. I hit send and reread the sentences over and over to distract me from wondering if he saw them yet, how he'd feel, where he'd be when he read them, if he felt the same, if he didn't, and most importantly, if I'd fucked up the most nourishing, safe, and consistent relationship I had.

I call T at three in the morning because I cannot sleep. I have been calling T at night for several months, even though we live in the same city. Leave it to fate that the person I call every night is a Frenchman living in New York. He arrived three years ago with that European goal to "make it in New York City" and childhood dreams to witness Yellow School Buses, High School Cafeterias, and The Friends' Apartment with his own eyes. What started as a few dates turned into a friendship that is hard to put into words. T (whose name is Thibault), and I met in a gay bar in Chelsea that is now closed. We never said hello with words, but our eyes compensated. I was standing, back against the wall as he passed holding a cocktail. We glanced in each other's direction and could feel that energetic pull you cannot describe. He smiled. I smiled back. And that was that. A week later while walking to Flaming Saddles I received amessage on Grindr, It was him and we realized we'd seen each other the other day and set up a proper date.

It has to be oneself – yourself – myself – but I don’t know if I can. How did I become so lost and reliant? These men – thank God for these men. When I’m with them, I forget my worries and doomed predictions. But can they smell my sadness, my pessimism that life is only getting worse, and not better? And I know that it’s because for the last two years nowhere feels like home. Not my apartment, not friends, not family. And when nowhere feels like home where else is left to go? How did I become a man of 40 who requires so much help, who struggles so profoundly with sadness? I am left needy. Needy, needy, needy. Needy of other people’s generosity and, oh how I hate needing generosity. Life is a power structure of needs, and those who can quench desires are always coveted above the rest. Which means I must make myself, my body, feel like home. And if I can do that, if I can feel safe and settled that life will be okay no matter where I am, perhaps I will be able to live a long life. Otherwise…I just don’t know.

hold tight to who you are to your goodness, kindness, compassion let it make you stand tall as your emotions cause you to sway let it softly remind you of the gold mine in your heart let it remind you everything will be ok

Wishing I was wanted Wishing I was special to someone Watching ones I bared my fears for Walk arm-in-arm with others Blissfully unaware Of how un-chosen I feel

I am going to be 40 years old in 6 months 😑

Holidayzzz w Betty 🕎 🎄