Ron Walters @waltronz

Honest question: You’ve been in a relationship for four and a half years, and throughout that time your partner has left a love note in your lunch almost every single day. They’ve consistently tried to show up, make you feel loved, and remind you that you matter. How would that make you feel? Would you see that kind of consistency and devotion as a green flag, or could it somehow feel like a red flag? And if the relationship reached a point where you had to decide whether to stay or leave, would the fact that this person had shown up for you in that way for four and a half years factor into your decision?

I was born in 1965 and came out in the 1980s. I have lived through decades of gay life—through fear, secrecy, loss, progress, celebration, backlash, and change that once seemed impossible. So, to the younger gay crowd, here is what I have learned about surviving—and actually thriving—as a gay person. Learn who you are before allowing strangers, dating apps, social media, or the gay community itself to define your worth. Protect your peace, your body, your heart, and your future. Find people who celebrate you when there is nothing in it for them. Build friendships with other gay people that are not based only on attraction, sex, appearance, status, or what someone can offer you. Do not confuse attention with affection, chemistry with compatibility, or being desired with being valued. You do not have to become cold simply because someone treated your kindness carelessly. Know your history. Many of the freedoms younger gay people have today were fought for by people who were frightened, imperfect, brave, and sometimes completely alone. I watched friends and entire communities live through things that should never be forgotten. Community kept people alive then, and it still matters now. You are allowed to be loud, quiet, masculine, feminine, sexual, reserved, partnered, single, or still figuring it all out. There is no single correct way to be gay. But do not disappear inside someone else’s idea of who you should be. Do not spend your life chasing acceptance from people who have already decided not to understand you. Being gay is not merely something to survive. After all these decades, that may be the most important thing I have learned: Build a life that makes being fully yourself worth it.