That’s certainly not a red flag. Of course effort and devotion matters. But if you are not content and you’ve tried everything to fix it as in it’s just a fundamental incompatibility, you’ve lost feelings for a while to the point of no return or deep down you know they are not your person, then it’s time to let go. The effort that has gone into the relationship is certainly worth a lot. But the partner also deserves to put their devotion toward someone who receives it wholeheartedly

The effort should be a net positive. The question is whether or not you would continue to choose them everyday even if the effort was gone, especially if that effort is heartfelt and not just performance from their side to make sure you stay

Before we broke up, I was in a relationship for just about 4 1/2 years actually. I don’t think that a simple service like that would be considered smothering or anything. I think it’s very sweet, and I’m just gonna go ahead and assume that active services your preferred love language. My only advice is to maybe think about what their preferred love languages is to receive. You checked off acts of service and even words of affirmation with your note so that’s pretty awesome.

Not a red flag UNLESS they bring it up constantly like “remember that thing I did for you?”. Also you can have a great 4+ years and still have a relationship fall apart. People change, life changes, priorities change. That doesn’t mean those years were wasted, it just means that you no longer align. So no, staying shouldn’t be dependent on the past in this case, it should be dependent on the future you envision for yourself.

The act, in itself, tells me nothing without context. It could be an act of genuine affection, but it could also indicate phenomenal insecurity and deep distrust, an attempt to shift the power balance, a sign of an unhealthy obsession, compensation for their inattentiveness, or it could just be a habit that is purely performative. A note every once in a while when they notice I’m struggling or worried might mean more because that’s when I need a morale booster and because it shows they noticed that was the case. I’d also need to know how the other party reciprocates, if at all. Is this some kind of dom/sub thing in which one is always there for the other, but not vice-versa? To each their own, but that doesn’t interest me at all. Most importantly, why is the relationship in danger of falling apart and how much love is left? Love notes, themselves, are meaningless if the love is gone or is only on one side.

It sounds like such a perfect relationship. Hopefully this commitment, love and affection is also happily reciprocated, otherwise you may feel a little overwhelmed. When things are this perfect, I don’t worry about loss or what may change or go wrong in the future. Just stay present in the beautiful NOW. Of course there are ups and downs in every relationship… Staying strong and committed will make a relationship even mere solid. Relationships will keep changing and hopefully evolving. This is not a reason to worry, and definitely not a sign the grass is greener on the other side. But then again, I know I am definitely speaking for a minority here…

@hephaestion came to say nearly all of this

@casbahmike Agree💯 that it may not be as positive as it appears, and more context might reveal something less wholesome in the gestures. I say this, having experienced a relationship where lots of gestures which outwardly and without context seemed amazing, were actually part of a sophisticated system of control to keep me locked in, and disregard other glaring red flags “because why on earth would you want to leave a relationship where your partner cooked you a delicious three course meal every Friday” or “put a note in your lunchbox every single day”. And how could you abandon them after they had put in so much into the relationship?

@ojay So sorry you had to deal with that!

@casbahmike Thanks.