sabotage

i think this weeks theme is self sabotage for me personally. i met this guy at my job and he says he wants to see me or go on dates but then i misread things. im so used to men only wanting to go inside of me instead of getting to know me from the inside. i cave in to this mindset by sending pictures or being overly sexual when maybe it is all in my head (no pun intended). when i do see him, he gets awkward which is normal but also he is hard to pinpoint in what he wants. he says im mysterious, which is a huge compliment imo, but he then tells me he has stuff to do when he originally planned to spend an hour or so with me after work. its just confusing on what he wants and i automatically switch my brain to sex sex sex and more sex. there is also another man at my job who is a regular. married ofc. but he is the sweetest and i love getting hugs from him. it feels like an emotional connection i can’t seem to distinguish from those available. not saying i would ever go after him whatsoever, but in general, emotional connection with men is something i haven’t experienced much since my last relationship. and even then, i’m unsure how much of it was authentic due to all sorts of reasons. i was listening to ‘sex star’ by troye sivan and it resonated insurmountably. i’ve always thought being a sex star or sex object is my role but not on my own accord. i definitely have thought about a career doing it but in most ways it’s to find my creative freedom. i’m an artist. i write songs. i write poetry. i collect. i have so many interests and desires but it all comes to a stop because i self sabotage. i could have a relationship if i only believed one could exist without ulterior motives. i could have time for my art if i believed it could go anywhere. i sabotage myself at my job. in therapy. with my friends. with life in general. i’m trying to escape it the best way i can.