Why do gay men fall in love so fast? What does too fast actually...

maczakro

Maybe gay men don’t necessarily fall in love faster — maybe we sometimes recognize something faster? When you’ve spent years questioning, hiding, or searching for yourself, meeting someone with whom you can finally be completely raw and real can feel incredibly powerful. And maybe “too fast” isn’t really about the timeline. Six months, two years, ten years — what matters is what we’re moving toward, and what we’re moving away from. Are we falling from loneliness, shame, or a life that no longer fits? Or are we falling toward freedom, belonging, home, and someone who truly sees us? Lust and love can definitely get tangled up, but maybe lust isn’t the opposite of love. Sometimes it’s simply the doorway. And perhaps queer love can feel fast because when something finally feels like home, we don’t always need years to recognize it. ❤️ Also… moving in after six months, buying a boat and sailing away after a year, then getting married after two? 😂 Maybe that’s not “too fast.” Maybe that’s just two people saying, “Well, this feels right. Let’s go.” 🥰

2 weeks

nolan.t.brown

My boyfriend and I, upon first meeting, instantly knew that we had found someone special and that our relationship would be like none other. Sometimes you just know! And if other people think that’s too fast, who cares. All that matters is that you and your partner are comfortable and happy with the pace of the relationship. ☺️

2 weeks

bonjounii

@maczakro it honestly feels as if you took the thoughts from the notes app on my phone, gathered them together, and said them back to me in one piece. 😅❤️ I can relate to so much of what you wrote. And what you said about “falling from” and “falling toward” really stayed with me. Because now I’m wondering… maybe sometimes we’re not simply falling for another person. Maybe we’re falling into a version of ourselves that becomes possible in their presence. When someone makes us feel seen, safe, desired, accepted (when we suddenly feel more free to be the parts of ourselves we’ve kept hidden) are we falling in love with them, or are we also falling in love with who we become when we are with them? And perhaps that’s where it gets complicated. Maybe the person feels like “home” not only because of who they are, but because of who we get to be around them. They make us feel more like ourselves, or perhaps they make us feel like a version of ourselves we’ve been longing to meet. But then another question comes up for me… How do we know whether we’ve found someone who genuinely sees us or someone who temporarily allows us to see ourselves differently? Is the feeling of “this person feels like home” necessarily about them being home… or can it sometimes be about finally feeling at home within ourselves? …to be continued…

2 weeks

bonjounii

@maczakro … continue.. And going back to what you said about lust being a doorway rather than the opposite of love; maybe that applies here too. Maybe the intensity isn’t necessarily something to fear or dismiss as “too fast.” Perhaps the more important question is what that intensity is revealing. Are we rushing toward a person because we’ve finally found something real? Or are we rushing because we’re afraid of returning to the version of ourselves we were before them? And maybe that’s the part of “falling too fast” that interests me most. Not how quickly we fall, but what is actually pulling us forward. Because if two people meet, feel at home, move in after six months, buy a boat, sail away and get married… 😂 maybe the timeline really is irrelevant. Maybe the deeper question is: when we say “this feels right,” what exactly are we recognizing? The other person? Ourselves? Or a life we suddenly realize we’ve been wanting all along? 🥰❤️

2 weeks

bonjounii

@nolan.t.brown wow! I have so many questions.. let me rearrange my thoughts. I love that you said “sometimes you just know.” ☺️❤️ And I think that’s actually where my curiosity gets even stronger. Because what is the “knowing” in that moment? Is it knowing that this person is going to become important to us? Is it recognizing something familiar in them? Or is it the feeling of suddenly being able to imagine a version of ourselves, and a life, that we hadn’t been able to imagine before? I completely understand that there’s no universal timeline for love. Six months can be too fast for one couple and completely natural for another. And if both people feel comfortable, happy and secure with the pace, who are we to decide that it’s “too fast”? ❤️

2 weeks

bonjounii

@nolan.t.brown … continuing…. But I wonder if the interesting part isn’t really how quickly we know, but what exactly we think we know. When you first met your boyfriend and had that feeling that your relationship would be like none other, did you feel like you were recognizing him… or did you feel like you were recognizing something about yourself in his presence? And looking back now, do you think that first instinct was accurate because you genuinely saw something in each other from the beginning or did the relationship itself create the meaning that your first feeling seemed to predict? Maybe that’s the fascinating thing about “just knowing.” Sometimes intuition sees something before our rational mind can explain it. But sometimes… maybe we’re not predicting the future at all. Maybe we’re simply recognizing how it feels to finally be somewhere we’ve been longing to arrive. 🥰 So now I’m curious. When you say “you just know,” what did you actually know in that first moment? ❤️

2 weeks

nolan.t.brown

@bonjounii loving all the questions and discussion! Let’s get to it ☺️ In that initial moment of “knowing”, for me, it was an “aha!” Moment. It was the recognition of every trait I had ever dreamed of and wanted a future partner to have, as well as the feeling of safety, love, and care I felt while I was with him. I knew from the moment we met that he was going to become a very important person in my life, and he continued to show why he was important by simply being himself and showing up everyday, ready to build a solid relationship with me. We imagine our future together now, but in the very beginning, we simply knew that we needed to get to know each other more and invest time to really understand what we had. And that time simply proved to us why we felt the way we did ☺️ When we first met and we both had that knowledge that our relationship would be like no other we knew, it wasn’t a recognition of him or myself. It was the recognition of his key traits that we wanted in a partner, and how we both exemplified them by simply living.

2 weeks

nolan.t.brown

@bonjounii part 2 The first instinct was absolutely accurate! AND the relationship itself created deeper meaning as time has progressed. It’s the combination of emotion and commitment. The feeling of love can only take you so far, and the action of love is what takes you the rest of the way. In that first moment, I knew that he was worth my time and energy because I finally decided to respect myself in that moment by honoring the rules I had set down for myself, as well as recognizing that together we created this safe, cozy environment where we could be 100% ourselves. That’s a rare thing.

2 weeks

nolan.t.brown

@bonjounii part 3 I’ve had a lot of dating experience which led me to establish two rules to which I would be able to tell if a future relationship was worth it, those being that 1) he make the first move and show genuine interest, and 2) he remain consistent in his words and actions. We can get into that later if you’re curious. Not only did my boyfriend satisfy those two requirements, but he went far beyond anything I could’ve imagined, all the while being respectful, loving, caring, kind, and thoughtful. His smile is like sunshine and makes me happy, his presence is calming, he loves life and isn’t afraid to show it. And for the first time in a long time, I could be myself without judgement. He brings out all the things I love about myself, and we love who we are when we’re together because we make each other better. I recognized all these things about the both of us in a second. I recognized what home felt like, what safety felt like, what unrequited love and joy felt like. Words can only explain so much of that moment of “knowing”, but I hope I was able to answer your question ☺️

2 weeks

findingjoshua

currently reading a book that said the intensity of two peoples’ first meeting has more to do with their shared level of loneliness than their compatibility. it takes 6 months to 2-ish years for the masks to come off, and with a population that learned to mask all the time, it can go really far before we really start to see each other. so sometimes too fast is really a thing, especially if our hormones are blinding us to the faults that can ultimately hurt us. that said, if they share our values, support us, see us (the real us), and put us at ease (really gotta pay attention to our bodies here), then maybe “too fast” is simply “right on track”.

1 week

bonjounii

@nolan.t.brown i’m so happy to read this. And that you have found the one who unlocked all the traits and by his actions and passion towards you has made you feel you’re at home with him. How long did you guys talk before you met? Or was it that you met in person right away while there was no chatting phase? Could we talk more about those 2 rules? Why should someone make the move while you could also do it? Is it a power-love kinda dynamic?

1 week

bonjounii

@findingjoshua i love this. And i just love that you talked about values! Big time! And about support, seeing the other and putting us at ease. These are surely vital to build a solid foundation and to enjoy being with someone. Enjoy ourselves while being with someone. Values has been coming up and circulating my life for the past 2 years. It’s a bit challenging finding people, lovers, friends, … who match some of our values if not most of them. How do you manage accommodating your time and efforts with people who we think they no longer match our values?

1 week

bonjounii

@findingjoshua what’s the book called?

1 week

findingjoshua

@bonjounii the Art of Loving by Erich Fromm. tbh i don’t recommend it without lots of disclaimers. some great points, but not exactly queer-friendly.

1 week

bonjounii

@findingjoshua hmmm… I see. I’ve been struggling to find a good queer book. Any recommendations?

1 week

findingjoshua

@bonjounii hmmm that’s an interesting question too. i have a story answer. years ago i took a sober year. no alcohol or other substances (except sugar and caffeine lol). i stopped going out to bars after a while because i got sick of drinking sparkling water and various fruit juice mixtures, and also being sober at a bar after 10pm isn’t fun. my bar friends stopped hanging out with me. not with animosity, our values and lifestyles no longer aligned, so we drifted. conversely, my “real friends” made efforts to plan and engage in activities that didn’t center around drinking. i didn’t have to accommodate anything, i just let the chips fall where they might. as i stepped into alignment with myself, naturally that attracted more of what was in alignment with myself. my friend group got much smaller, but also much richer, and much more fulfilling. i think a lot of people don’t have any values. like if you asked the question, they’d have to sit and think (or they’ll just give you some stuff they’ve been taught) because they haven’t ever considered it for themselves. how do we find people that match our values if we haven’t even defined them for ourselves? we don’t, we can’t, so we get valueless relationships as a result, or at least, relationships with values that might not align.

1 week

findingjoshua

@bonjounii @schmoo may have something for you :)

1 week

nolan.t.brown

@bonjounii thank you! He’s the sweetest and we’re really lucky to have each other 🥰 We talked for a few months before we both were like,” we’re dating right?” No one asked the other, but it was a natural progression from where we started. Felt super natural. We met on here and were long distance which SUCKS, but we’re working hard to be able to meet in person soon. It’s such a weird thing to fall for someone so far away, but I’d rather be with him and wait to meet in person than settle for the horrible guys around me. I set those two rules up because I was always the one putting forth all the effort when I was dating other guys. It got to the point where it felt like I was forcing guys to go out on dates with me because they never wanted to meet in person, go on dates, etc. I set up those rules to be able to better distinguish those who weren’t serious about getting to know me from those who were. I was done wasting my time with guys who were serious about dating. And it worked out well! We both contribute evenly to the relationship and we’re happy ☺️

1 week

bonjounii

@findingjoshua i loved your story. And I could relate, big time. I am happy to discuss this further in private. What you said about people not having values, and when they’re asked they’re clueless.. I’ve tried asking some of my close friends the same. They just could not even think of an answer. I also try initiate some philosophical or social discussions with some, and yet, they have no interest. Im not sure if overcoming this or change comes with age or exposure.

1 week

bonjounii

@findingjoshua this is getting even better, thanks. Hi @schmoo 🙋🏽‍♀️🙋🏽‍♂️ Joshua and I were just discussing living on values and how our friends match them or not

1 week

bonjounii

@nolan.t.brown you’re so damn right a out those rule then! I hope soon enough you’ll be able to be with your boo for good and in one country. I know how difficult it can be to be in a long distance relationship

1 week

nolan.t.brown

@bonjounii right! Worked out nicely. My man was surprised about them but happy that he was able to go above and beyond the standards I set. And thank you! We’re working hard to be together in person, and I know it’ll happen soon 🥰

1 week

hidden

@bonjounii hiiiii was I summoned for a queer book rec, @findingjoshua? Bahahaha

1 week

hidden

Also re: the post, I think we might be willing to fall in love quickly because our culture was formed outside the marriage plot. Marriage comes with a story or progression of moments that give it a shape, and it’s changed overtime (we don’t call it “courting” and people bang more openly before marriage) but it’s still real. It’s designed to make sure that things like sharing ownership of property and having children happen within something likely to last and to keep expressions of love tied to those purposes, although again, that’s changed a lot. I love that we fall in love quickly. I do wish I’d fall in love into a relationship that lasts longer than three months ahhahaa bc what starts quickly can end quickly. But it has made my life so interesting and full and allows me to be fully present and intimate with a relative stranger, and I think that’s beautiful.

1 week

aranha

It’s definitely more lust and possibly acute attachment needs…

1 week

bonjounii

@schmoo 🙋🏽, yes I believe so. @findingjoshua and I discussed a book he is reading. Something about the intensity of 2 people first meeting is more relayed to their shared level of loneliness than their compatibility. Connecting this book to the content of this post. I mentioned that I’ve been struggling in finding a good queer book that is beautifully written and yet has a meaningful impact on our lives. Maybe something that will leave us thinking, challenging ourselves, values, and principles. Can be a novel or a bit philosophical. Any recommendations?🙈

1 week

bonjounii

@schmoo you touched base on a interesting yet debatable point. That what starts quickly can end up quickly. I see this a lot in our community. But, does this mean we’ve saved ourselves time from slowly discovering ourselves and the others in a short period of time to an extend that we would uncover what might not work for us on the long term? Is it a blessing or a curse to have things run very quickly? I think there’s a thin line between both in this case. What do you say?

1 week

bonjounii

@aranha so is it more the ecstatic state we get from lust as well as the gaps someone fill in? Therefore, someone covering up what we’re lacking for? Are we confusing between the needs we have that needs to be addressed first by someone’s presence?

1 week

hidden

@bonjounii try Worthy of the Event by Vivian Blaxell! LittlePuss press is putting out good work. If you like poetry, Metronome by James Loop is lovely

1 week

hidden

@bonjounii I think they’re different ways of living and loving! I imagine there are things I won’t learn about myself and others until I’m in a longterm relationship, and there are things that I won’t learn about myself and others if I do. To me, the difference between those possibilities are that one is real (one will happen) and the other is not real. I try to be thankful for what life brings me and what I’m able to build with others.

1 week

hidden

@schmoo in my profession, Christian theology, so much writing has been done about marriage and monogamy. Not much has been done about other options, so I see immense possibilities in the kinds of relationships gays have with each other. I don’t idealize them, but I’m grateful I’m able to experience them.

1 week

findingjoshua

@schmoo i thought for suuuure you’d mention your book. though maybe it is a bit off-topic, still related! haha

6 days

sailormars

Highly recommend looking into mother and father wounds. Dating will shift for you once you understand why you pick certain people over others.

6 days

hidden

@findingjoshua omggggg I’m so bad at marketing ahahahahah YES I HAVE A BOOK if you’re interested in theology at all—not philosophy, but a cousin—maybe you’d like it. It’s called Coarse Work: Essays in Theology and Gay Life, and it’s available on Homodoxy.com!!

6 days