There are still things I want to tell you. Small things, mostly. A plant I finally learned the name of. Something stupid one of my cats did. A sentence I heard on the street that would have made you laugh. A tree somewhere in Berlin carrying fruit, the kind we would have stopped to inspect as if discovering it ourselves. Sometimes something happens and my first thought is still: I have to tell you this. And for one tiny second, you still exist exactly where you used to. Then I remember. There is nowhere to send it anymore.

this seems kinda ridiculous, convince me not to delete

Quality time with bday husband @tillivanilli

Take ownership of your life. You must put yourself first— always keeping your family, friends, and the community in mind- so that everyone benefits from the best version of you. 🪐

Just completed my spontaneous 72 hours no food fasting (only water) 🍽️❌ My longest autophagy experiment so far. Day 1 was the most unfamiliar. A bit hangry here and there. Day 2 my head got really clear and I could work well. The obvious part I didn't see coming: I train a lot, so there's always this calculation running about getting enough protein in. For three days it was just gone. That felt freeing. Whats your experiece with longer fast? What stuck with you afterwards and did you archive any specific goals?

I wanted you to make me feel safe when I didn’t yet know how to create safety inside myself. I wanted your love to answer questions it could never answer: Am I enough? Am I desirable? Will you choose me? Will you stay? And somewhere along the way, I stopped asking whether I was choosing myself. The world keeps moving with an almost offensive normality. People go swimming. Trains arrive. cats demand food. Friends send messages. Plants grow new leaves. Summer comes back. I laugh sometimes. And every time I laugh, I discover that my life continued without asking your permission.

Septoplasty chic

I think that’s one of the strangest things about losing someone who is still alive. Nothing disappears all at once. The person leaves first. The habits take longer. The conversations you continue inside your head take even longer. And the future might be the last thing to leave. I don’t only miss you. I miss things that never even happened. Trips we talked about but never took. Summers we never reached. Ordinary Sundays. Getting older. Going to the swimming pool, just the two of us Spending one New Year’s Eve together.

21

The happy-sad u feel taking a 8AM taxi home from the afters.

Here we go again - #🐻