I’m old enough to be dead in gay years and very happily married so...

I’m old enough to be dead in gay years and very happily married so maybe I have some life experience that might be worth passing on based on the posts I read here. I see lots and lots of people lamenting the fact that they can’t find their soulmate. I empathize and I get it, but I want to let you all in on a little secret. You will never find your soulmate, because they do not exist, at least not yet. What you might find if you’re brave enough to look for it is a lot of interesting new people who are less than an ideal match when you meet them, but as you get to know these people, genuinely for who they are and what makes them interesting, not for how they might fit into your life, you might discover that one of them is especially interesting and you’ll start to shift a bit, and they’ll start to shift a bit, and eventually you might just BECOME each other’s soulmate. But you won’t start there. Dating isn’t marriage. Dating is about getting to know another person (more than likely, many other people). Go out with people you might not usually go out with. Don’t be picky. I’m not telling you to settle, but I’m telling you that everybody (even you) is a work in progress and if you pass on people who aren’t perfect for you today, you won’t be around when they become perfect for you tomorrow.

aleric_

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

1 month

casbahmike

Thanks for these words of wisdom. From one old guy to another, I can attest this is completely true. If I had had a checklist of characteristics, I wanted in a future soulmate when I was in my 20s I don’t think my partner of 35 years would have checked all the boxes, maybe not even most of them. I dated other people in the beginning of our relationship, in part because we lived far from each other (for a while, there was literally and ocean between us) so we didn’t see each other often, but also because I had this Hollywood movie idea that I would find Mr Right and it would be true love from the moment of eye contact. 😂 Gradually, we worked our way into each other’s hearts and I realized he was Mr Right.

austbaumer

You are not old, just experienced 😁

theartfulroger

So true. My observation as another in the ‘experienced’ bracket is there may be ‘the one’ in your 20s but by your 40s things inevitably change and maybe you or they’re not ‘the one’ you both want any more. What I’m saying is there may be ‘the one’ for different periods of your life. It’s not a given that any couple, gay or straight, will be together forever, and that’s ok. But if you get a second (or third, or more) chance, take it.

justben

Beautifully said. I think it’s especially true that you must allow a relationship to develop and grow; after the honeymoon period there is a whole series of revelations, compromises, arguments both petty and heated, but with time and effort (of the understanding and forgiveness kinds) a bond forms which strengthens with time. That is real love, the kind you can only get through genuinely knowing a person. And that takes time. So you must persevere through some of the less glamorous parts and not write off / Discard a person at the first ick or argument or mistake.

tristian

🤍🤍🤍

@theartfulroger Agreed! But on the other hand, I think of my parents. They met because my dad managed a movie theater and mom worked at the phone company. A shy man, he eventually asked a woman who worked concessions to go out and ask my mom if she’d be willing to meet her manager. They were married for 50 years, and not all of it was smooth sailing. Far from it! Somewhere in the 48th year, mom was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. Dad quit his job (he’d already retired, but found another just to stay busy), and they started doing more things together. They traveled and did things they’d always wanted to do. They were inseparable and they started to behave like teenagers with their first crush. She sat on his lap to watch tv, and they were always hugging and kissing. Mom was able to get around until close to the end. When she died two year later, dad said that in marriage couples inevitably grow apart a bit, if only out of necessity. With four kids and the need for at least one to earn a living, that happened. But mom’s diagnosis made them both realize how finite their time together would be and they put their relationship first. After she died, he told me he was grateful that “for those last two years, we got to be newlyweds, again.”

@casbahmike that’s a lovely story. I’m not saying leave at the first sign of difficulty, I’m just saying that sometimes there are strong reasons to part and that’s ok, life carries on beyond a break up :)

@justben agreed! But as @theartfulroger points out, sometimes one has to know when to leave. There is no need to stay in a bad relationship. It’s just so important that we have realistic expectations.

@austbaumer is it too early to say I love you! 🤣 🤣 🤣

@casbahmike haha, it is never too early.

agl

Stop normalizing gay years?

mustafa

❤️❤️❤️

@austbaumer 🤣 🤣

hewhosawthedeep

Probably one of the best things I’ve ever read here

pigmalion

Nicely said

onnoy

Very true. But the fact is how many people actually give time to know someone. I’m having a hard time finding people who really wanna date and get to know each other. From being a hopeless romantic I ended up being just hopeless..

@theartfulroger I understand and agree. Too many people stay in harmful, even abusive relationships out of some warped sense of loyalty, low self-esteem, or whatever. Sometimes, too, we just happen to find someone else who is a better fit. But in that case, we have to be careful we’re not mistaking infatuation or lust for love. I just think that the pendulum may have swung a bit too far in the other direction, and now we take our relationship too casually. I know people who’ve left healthy ones for such trivial reasons. I also know people who’ve been left by a partner and they’re not even sure why.

4 weeks

@casbahmike we simply can’t judge other’s relationships, only those inside them know what’s really happening.

@theartfulroger 💯 and sometimes not even them! 🤣

3 weeks