I don‘t get dating apps. Guess I‘m not the only one experiencing it,...

views.by.jan 1 month

I don‘t get dating apps. Guess I‘m not the only one experiencing it, but I have the feeling that people are often not ready to have a real conversation. Digging deeper into some topics, exchanging about experiences or just opening up. And if it comes to calling or meeting, being ignored. I mean, what is it all about then? It is certainly frustrating and emotionally exhausting, when you‘re a person who is looking for serious connections. I just realize, it‘s not really worth it, investing your own time, effort and thoughts into conversations again and again, that lead to nothing. I sometimes think, it was easier when we all had to actually meet to get to know each other in person, without hiding behind a dating app profile. What are your thoughts / experiences?

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The same thing even with Friendships nothing serious and I offered them many times to hang out with me and they just disappeared 👻

1 month

luca.stefanizzi

i always download them and after 1 month or less i delete them because i feel like i bornout. The only thing that comes out of it is losing hope in men in general and the feeling that im going to be alone for a while. So not a pleasant journey

1 month

views.by.jan

@luca.stefanizzi I can relate to that feeling. A lot of ups but more downs.

1 month

die

I stand by most of what you said. I think we sometimes reach a level of shallowness and detachment in social media that have almost anihilated any social skill. And it takes time to get to know someone, to trust another person, to get into the deeper stuff. And we live in a time where almost everything has to be rn, asap, otherwise we get anxious about ir or bored easily. I’m aware, i try to work on it and be better, lead with the example. I’m always down for a good chat, a coffee and a stroll, a drink, getting to know someone if i’m interested. And even try to communicate when i’m not as interested or something’s off. But i totally get you and the feeling you describe 🫶🏼

1 month

views.by.jan

@die thank you for sharing your thoughts! I think you pointed it out quite well, maybe we have unlearned to be patient with getting to know each other. Communicating if one is NOT interested, is very mature and always better than ignoring it and letting the conversation fade out. Let‘s be fair and honest with each other. 🫶🏼

1 month

fridi105

I think it is like window shopping for people. I feel like because it’s online people forget that they’re talking to a real person and this is real life.

1 month

davidluis

The key for dating apps is to get to meet the person as soon as you can, because until then, it’s all very artificial /virtual

1 month

views.by.jan

@fridi105 Totally agree! I think if people would take conversations more seriously, as if the person was in front of them, it would be a much better experience for everyone.

1 month

die

@davidluis 💯, it helps reduce the anxiety and expectations

1 month

shawnt

Agree 💯

1 month

aranha

It’s dehumanizing and shallow, and it’s dividing and destroying our Community. Let’s be ‘in presence’ with each other as friends and lovers!

1 month

theartfulroger

So pleased there’s this discussion in the feed - and you’re all actually discussing! Would be great to have ‘live’ chat meet-ups to take this deeper.

1 month

views.by.jan

@theartfulroger I agree! 🙏🏼

1 month

theartfulroger

Maybe we could set up a live zoom chat room ?

1 month

ivanzema

Same, don’t like it 💯

1 month

thegreatmichal

I think most people have their personal intentions when using the apps that they don’t really disclose, so it’s not really about you, rather it’s about finding the right people with the right kind of engagement. We all know that if you lead with a torso pic on that specific app, what are we all signaling that we want? Instead, the more we share “moments” of our daily lives and seek real connection, try to start real conversations, then the real people hopefully also come. That’s why I have hopes on this app because it’s like a combo of content, conversation and ways to engage with people anywhere around the world, and that’s what I want. We’ll keep trying, but know that there are real people still here, not AI bots ✌️

1 month

alex.yellow

Intentionality is the first word that comes to mind. I genuinely enjoy meeting new people, and every date is a chance to create a positive experience and learn a little more about yourself. I think dating gets a lot easier when people are open about what they're looking for and honest if the connection isn't there. That kind of clarity makes the whole experience feel more relaxed and respectful. Like others have said, if the goal was simply to meet in person and see if there's a genuine connection, I think we'd all have more opportunities to grow, enjoy the process, and build meaningful relationships.

1 month

nixonfosh

I’m appreciate this so much!

1 month

views.by.jan

@alex.yellow well said. The excitement of meeting new people is special for sure, and I would say one feels quite quickly if you vibe or not. If you feel comfortable with the person and you want to keep talking. And if it doesn‘t feel right, that is totally fine and something that can be communicated. Let‘s all be more considerate with each other. 🫶🏼

1 month

dannyjames

This! 💯

1 month

all-ways

There are NO real conversation on those apps. No emotion showed no desire to know the counterpart except for the “so called” performances in bed 😅 So boring I get really upset in no time.

1 month

arj

I can definitely relate to this! 💯

1 month

callthemzaddy

dating in the technological age poses a threat to human connection because of how it is abused 🙀

1 month

stratis

They mainly work as tools to find a body you like to fuck with. It’s really disappointing indeed because we just spiral into superficial conversations and most of the times end up alone. Sooo.. they are good cause you can have sex quite fast. About the rest.. can happen to meet from an app. but certainly it needs a lot of other things to work and end up in something more meaningful. Good luck

1 month

museumboy

I find our community is built on sex not connection. We need to fight this. I’ve found that if you don’t give up sex instantly it’s so hard to get into some friendship circles or meet potential partners bc they aren’t focusing on anything else from the kick off

1 month

sumit.vinka95

I totally agree with you. People are not sure what they want. Most of the people have turned the dating apps/sites into Sexual things. I am so disappointed. Thank you for your opinion on this.

1 month

agl

Agreed to an extent. I do meet people in real life. Mostly straight friends these days. Today there’s a guy who is straight but definitely might be more open to guys. Still I prefer to be in an environment of gay men if possible. I’m doing group calls or singular calls. I’m going online to meet like minded gay men to build connections with wherever to get to know. Plutonic is fine. If something else grows ever better. Organically. If you are interested in chatting about seemingly boring everyday topics, motivating each other, meeting and hanging out hit me up! Topics: personal projects, consumer tech, getting started at the gym, cars, cooking healthy, international travel recommendations, architecture, design, yoga, etc. find me on Instagram sunwater808

1 month

ash_hawk

Well said! You’re exactly right-the apps are for hook ups and unserious. Besides, real life is way more fun!

1 month

sir.7

It depends on which platform you’re and it doesn’t actually matter where you meet someone. People generally have a lot of things going on. And if you meet them in person the just get guilty and talk with you even if they’re not sure about you. Online Plattform makes it easier to forget you. So it’s not the medium. It’s the people. What we can do is be patient and walk in love.

1 month

dannycosta

yes find people in real life out in the world

1 month

alfiesinterlude

I have had lovely deep and meaningful conversations with people. A lot of people are willing to take the time to talk. I don’t go into any conversation with expectations though. I just trust that both of us will ask questions that lead to something deeper. And most of the time it does. If you aren’t afraid to be a little open about something and provide them with something to ask about then you will probably find you end up having better conversations. Sometimes we do only end up speaking that one time though, which may seem frustrating, but I actually don’t mind it. Like with any stranger you meet in person, the conversation can be a one time thing. Thats just the nature of an organic interaction. I understand thats not the answer you may want if you are looking for something with more permanence though. I guess I would say to that: just let it happen naturally. Thats my take x

1 month

bartosz

🫣

1 month

cecil_eche03

From personal experience most of these people are either bored, need an ego boost, “too busy” or do hookups. When things get too serious they straight up run or take trash advice on how to handle things. I don’t entertain conversations that lead to dead ends, that take up more than a week to try and set up a date, or if I have to be the one to start them up. Not to mention when they go from texting you for the first few days every few seconds to straight up taking 2.5 business days to respond without communicating. (If I’m wrong please let me know) I know life things happen and we have our own lives sometimes it gets to a certain point when I send a text it feels like I’m disturbing them rather than just asking how their day was. Not to mention when they respond with one word responses either after every text you send, or wait a few days to respond to you. It’s clear the problem is communication, emotional intelligence, and understanding what you want out of a relationship. Another thing that plays into this is beauty standards as well as the mindset that you can find someone better especially when you have dating apps, it forces unrealistic expectations, and that mindset. I personally try to come at this over and over again with an open mind but get shut down when the aforementioned happens. Much like probably many people here I’m burnt out and drained from dating and at times come to realize that it’s probably better for me to stay single.

1 month

frafrabia

Thank you for being a voice for so many of us. I can really relate to this. It honestly makes me wonder if this has become part of a dating apocalypse among gay men—or even people in general. I've noticed the same patterns not only in dating but also in friendships. It's strange how common it seems to be. 😳 I've been through similar experiences myself, and it's reassuring to know I'm not the only one.

1 month

mynheer_s

The emotional exhaustion hits hard 🥺

1 month

mylifemyshow

People don’t have a clue on how to hold an actual conversation anymore and it’s quite alarming

1 month

ojay

I think the issue is the same with most tech enabled experiences- and I know that I too am guilty of it. I am trying to be more thoughtful about which matches I accept or who I swipe right on and when. Because it’s too easy to start a conversation with a hi or a wink or a tap and then disappear or leave it in a way that you wouldn’t/couldn’t in real life. You wouldn’t walk over to a person and start a conversation with them and then walk away halfway without excusing yourself but it’s very easy to do that online. It’s also too easy to swipe right with your mind elsewhere and without thinking too much about it. So you might be in the middle of a meeting or lecture, you’re bored and you start scrolling through a dating app and swiping indiscriminately. Then you end up with lots of superficial matches that you then don’t really have the energy or motivation to follow up with. I now try to ask myself before matching or swiping, would you really really take out time to chat and meet with this person? And if not, I don’t accept. It’s taken a while but I think I have a smaller group of people with real potential that I am talking to. And I always try to meet or video call asap. So I think we must try not take it personally or let it affect us in terms of our desirability or optimism about meeting someone

1 month

nathan91

I can’t go on them anymore. It’s too stressful and guys don’t want real they want quick. I decided years ago to stop going on apps and it was a good decision.

1 month

emiliush

I think it’s less about dating apps themselves and more about how many of us have learned to use them. I also think this depends a lot on where you grew up. As a gay man from Mexico, I don’t really look back at some “better time” before apps. Ten or fifteen years ago, meeting other gay men safely wasn’t nearly as easy in many places as it is today. Cities like Mexico City or Puerto Vallarta have changed enormously in terms of visibility, safety and openness. For a lot of people, apps didn’t replace real-life opportunities, they created them. That said, I do agree that we’ve become very good at presenting curated versions of ourselves and very hesitant to move from chatting to actually meeting. Sometimes it feels like people are dating the conversation rather than the person.

1 month

nathan91

@emiliush I don’t ever have endless conversations on apps, and I didn’t come from a time where you could just meet guys. Not into partying, or drinking, or drugs, which 90% of the guys where I’ve lived are into. The apps have become toxic whether we “use” them a certain way. It’s like a dirty public bathroom. Doesn’t matter if everyone is cleaning up after themselves, it’s always going to be a dirty public bathroom.

1 month

emiliush

@nathan91 I actually think your analogy illustrates my point. A public bathroom isn’t “born” dirty. It becomes dirty because enough people make it that way. Dating apps seem similar to me. Their design can encourage certain behaviours, but the behaviours still come from us. If apps were inherently toxic, I wouldn’t have met one of my best friends on Grindr, another at a circuit party, or a long-term partner on Tinder. Likewise, some of the worst men I’ve dated were people I met “the old-fashioned way.” So I don’t think the issue is the medium itself. It’s the way we choose to engage with one another, regardless of where we meet

1 month

nathan91

I never said the behaviors don’t come from us, but there’s some bathrooms (Waikiki in Honolulu) for instance that there’s no coming back from 😂 I don’t disagree that you can find bad people in the old fashioned way. By old fashioned what are we talking Polari Speaking England? I’d rather Grindr. I also don’t disagree that we can interact on the apps in a way which invites bad character, but that doesn’t make the apps aren’t crap, toxic and unwholesome in general. We can talk all day about how things once were or could be but that’s the reality of gay dating apps today. Sure there’s a diamond in the rough. Still the last place I want to spend any of my time.

1 month