lucienzera
there are days.
days that I don’t wanna get out of bed.
days that I don’t want to talk.
days that I just want to… drift by.
it’s a weird feeling to constantly look at everyone’s lives, seeing them do things and feel a particular type of envy. like, you’re happy for them and all but also wish you were able to do them as well, or be chosen first or be just… there. it’s an ever-consuming feeling, fleeting yet also so crushing.
I’ve been reminiscing about some of the stuff I’ve been through these past few months.. a legal issue. sure I won in the end, but it also destroyed me mentally. I became this.. unrelying, isolated version of myself, like I threw myself down a deep well and just stare at a hateful mirror that desires to be looked at.. it’s something let me tell you.
it’s gonna be okay, I know that. but I don’t want to deal with this feeling of isolation and adoring jealousy. I don’t want to be someone’s backburner choice, or last resort. selfish, I know; but I’m just tired of it.
anyways, thanks for reading it this far. and apologies for the eyesore.
