felispo

you just need to change de spaces. you’ll never find a community outside the bars if you don’t go to somewhere else

Reply ●●●● 4 months

xandermar

@felispo correct! Somewhere else, where? Book clubs? Certain cafes or restaurants?

Reply ●●● 4 months

juvenlee_surrealart

This is a universal phenomenon despite of sexual orientation. I think people struggle with making community because ultimately you'll have to give yourself over to something greater and that's a process that requires energy. How much are you willing to expend this energy? How much are you willing to change for something greater if that doesn't come naturally to you?

Reply ●●●● 4 months

xandermar

@juvenlee_surrealart I love that output, thank you for sharing!

Reply ●● 4 months

ofvenus

I always recommend people start by volunteering for a cause or space that they feel strongly about, and/or join a community/meetup for an activity you enjoy or want to learn. It definitely is about changing the spaces! But that can give you a place to start 😊

Reply ●●●● 4 months

xandermar

@ofvenus That is a great idea actually! Thank you!! 🙏🏻

Reply ●● 4 months

aranha

The meeting apps do not help. It sure is harder in our Community. But hopefully, with apps such as collective, we can start communicating differently, even though sex still seems to be a priority… Just look at all those mindless gym pics!… Meat market or what? Hopefully we’ll each find a new place of connection that feels rich and leads to real physical presence with each other.

Reply ●●● 4 months

xandermar

@aranha I totally hear you. It really does feel like a "meat market" sometimes, and those endless gym selfies definitely don't help the vibe. I agree with you and I’m trying to stay hopeful about apps like Collective, but part of me is afraid this is just a deeply ingrained way of thinking. It feels like a generational shift in how people approach connection, and honestly, it might not be something that changes easily. Hopefully, we can still find those spaces that prioritize actual depth over just another photo.

Reply ●●● 4 months

aranha

I 💯 agree.Fortunately there are people like you and many others that are having positive conversations and establishing alternative spaces that prioritize deep connections. Hopefully there will be real physical meetings emerging from this conversation so that we can all truly physically hug each other!

Reply ●●● 4 months

casbahmike

I think this feeling is shared by both gays and straights, but in different ways.

Reply ●●● 4 months

xandermar

@aranha amen to that 😊 🤞

Reply ● 4 months

xandermar

@casbahmike right! That’s what makes me feel it might be a generational thing.

Reply ●● 4 months

casbahmike

@aranha that would be nice, but I’m far from pretty much everyone on here.

Reply 4 months

lav

Let’s ask @cal he seems to have it figured out

Reply ●● 4 months

cal

@lav not to be that girl but I genuinely met most of my friends in London using Collective 🙃 being shameless and asking people if they want to get coffee goes a long way

Reply ●●● 4 months

xandermar

@cal it’s that simple! It’s funny how in my 40s “want to grab coffee” actually means coffee, whereas in my 30s, I always assumed it was code for “want to have sex?”

Reply ●●● 4 months

dusk

@xandermar as an autistic person, when I say coffee I mean coffee (regardless of Brazilian culture). Yesterday I invited a random guy from grindr to go clubbing in a club we both only knew by name, no sex or romantic messages exchanged. We met there, talked for half an hour and he said he was tired and wanted to go home to sleep. It was awkward, maybe true politeness would have been telling me he was tired before I even left the house.

Reply ● 4 months

xandermar

@dusk I’m sorry that happened! It’s so frustrating when people aren't direct. But look at the bright side: you didn't have to spend any more of your night with someone who clearly couldn't match your energy or appreciate your company. You saved yourself hours of awkwardness and boredom. I think in situations like these other people’s behaviour is a reflection of the their social skills and not yours/our value.

Reply ● 4 months

hidden

Start hosting (if you have the space)! I’ve held brunches, dinner clubs, ice cream tastings, movie nights, cocktail nights, etc. Basically any excuse to invite people over and not have going out to bars as the focal event, I’ll take it. It’s fun because it’s usually a smaller group, like 10 or so, and the group changes each time so people are making new connections and conversing. I love it, and it’s made my early 30s already so much more enjoyable than my 20s. I love a bar and club and sex as much as the next guy, but it’s a rather lonely existence when you realize that your core friend group is party friends, but not deep intimate friends.

Reply ●● 4 months

gggabriel

I feel you. Unfortunately this has made me loose interest in even trying to establish connections or friendships. It’s disappointing to invest time and energy on people that ultimately eventually ghost you because secretly they though sex was „part of the package“. It’d be ok with that if at least people were upfront about it so I can at least know. Nothing wrong with being clear and honest 🙂

Reply ● 4 months